Relationships

I stumbled upon the connection between love and dissonance while studying organizational psychology. Blanchard and a few others had two dimensional models that described management styles. McClelland had organizational theories that I thought should fit somewhere onto one of those grids. When I found the relationship between love and dissonance I found a grid that allowed me to integrate Blanchard and McClelland’s concepts along with conflict resolution styles.

When I tried to add Tuckman’s group formation theory I found that I needed to extend the grid to the left into a second quadrant.

I then searched for case studies where I could apply this tool and chose to use the Christian Bible for case study material. Those studies led to the discovery of two additional quadrants below the horizontal axis.

The results from those studies form the horizontal and vertical axii on my world view. When I then took this tool and applied it to the study of addiction counseling I found the connection that brings stages of change and developmental change into this model as the third dimension.

Do Unto Others

Maslow formulated the concept of a hierarchy of needs leading to self-actualization. It turns out that self-actualization is a westernized individualistic concept that might or might not translate to other cultures. It also seems that my internal desire to achieve self-actualization might not be shared by people I encounter.
Some people have unmet needs at lower levels in the hierarchy. Carl Rogers formulated the therapeutic approach called client-centered therapy. One of the key aspects he incorporated into that approach is “unconditional positive regard”. The concept is that I should relate to you in a positive, warm, non-threatening way. Conflict makes us fear for our survival, safety or social needs and blocks us from feeling free to change.
Rogers did not emphasize unconditional love. More is not better. We feel safe when we are not obligated or smothered with love. We feel safe when we are not subjugated or in conflict. We sense the honesty and intent of the other person and intuitively trust only relationships that seem believable to us.
Martin Buber described dialogue as fleeting moments when we truly relate to another. We filter and mask what we mean. We block and filter what we hear. We need to intentionally work at relationships in order to understand each other. We do not trust relationships in which we are not understood.

Cognitive Dissonance

Harmony is when singers work together as a team. The most important tool to a singer is their ear. Dissonance is the difficult work required to sing in a way that the ear tells you is not melodious in order to produce a result that is melodious. It is hard work and it requires careful listening and an extra effort. Fortunately we have the ability to hear. Sadly we often choose not to hear. We find it inconvenient to listen to things we do not like. We find it inconvenient when people tell us that problems are complex and solutions are hard. We train our ears to avoid hearing. To an extent this is important. We are surrounded by distracters.

I read Festinger’s work on Cognitive Dissonance decades ago and retained that construct. When I first started formulating the two-dimensional relationship required to connect Blanchard, McClelland and Tuckman I searched for the term that describes the vertical axii. Later, when I worked to integrate Cognitive Behavioral therapy with Client-Centered therapy I found a reference to Festinger’s work and re-read that book.

The concept I refer to here is best explained by analogy. It is listening to a teacher and hearing information that you want. It is the desire to learn because you realize that what you already know is insufficient. It is recognizing the gap between what is and what should be. Students feel dissonance when they realize the need to study. Addicts sense dissonance when they realize that their life is out of control. We sense dissonance when we see a social wrong. We sense dissonance when we realize that the life we live is not the life we want.

Cognitive Behavioral therapy uses dissonance in two ways. We can make information available that can be absorbed cognitively and thus change behaviors as we change constructs. Or we can change behaviors and thus cause the mind to sense an increase in dissonance. We have a limit to the dissonance we will tolerate and thus if we cannot stop a behavior we will change our constructs to account for the behavior.

If I am accumulating money while others are hungry I can change my behaviors or I can change my beliefs. For example, I could start giving away money until there is less dissonance. Or I could blame the other person and thus distract myself from the dissonance.

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Coping Styles

As I continued to study this framework I learned that there are nine states of being. I documented my understanding of those nine coping styles and the nine helping methods in the book called “Coping Styles: Dealing with Life on Life’s Terms”.

The state in the center is called tranquil. Most of us want to spend the majority of our time in the tranquil state because it takes less effort. Almost all of the transitions from one state to another will come back through this state.

Hostile is a state of being where we are high in antagonism while maintaining a low level of dissonance. War, for example, requires antagonism with consensus.

If we are in conflict and become aware of the dissonance we transition into chaos. Pictures of war refugees increase our awareness of the results from conflict.

If we are in conflict and choose to disregard the dissonance we transition into subjugation. Law enforcement officers often become hardened and tune out the pain that they see.

When we are not in conflict and yet still seek to block our awareness of the life around us we become distracted. Distraction takes effort. For example, we might fill our life with low priority activities. Once we turn distraction into a habit we then learn how to deny there is anything wrong. And thus we transition from tranquility through distraction and end up in denial.

When we are obligated we tune out the pain and then act with love. We might feel obligated to go to a social event to support our spouse even though the act is painful to us.

I am pampered when I expect you to give me loving kindness while ignoring the pain that it might cause you. Movie stars can become pampered because their sudden wealth attracts people who give them affection in exchange for money.

Changing only occurs when we feel that we are in a safe relationship and are aware of the dissonance. Classrooms and therapy sessions strive to create transforming environments. Change, however, is hard work. People typically make small changes and then seek to recuperate before trying more change.

Alignment is a very rare state. I found this state when I looked at Tuckman’s model for team formation. In that model teams transition from tranquility, through conflict and reach a normal state of teamwork. Occasionally a team becomes so attuned with each other that their behavior is called “performing”. The team members become intuitively attuned to the needs of the team—and thus they are aware of the dissonance. The team members seek the good of the team—and thereby express their affection for the team.

Helping Methods

There are nine helping methods in this framework. I incorporated this pattern into my framework after studying Brickman’s article on helping models.

Repent: When an addict reaches the point where their life is chaotic beyond their control the first step is to admit defeat and wait on God – referred to in AA as the “Higher Power”. This corresponds to Brickman’s enlightenment model. Paul was truly penitent in Acts 9:1-22.

Intervene: When the conflict between the addict and their supporters becomes more than the supporters can bear, they can stop the antagonism, express their love and challenge the addict to stop their addictive behaviors. Jesus challenged the money changers in Luke 19:45-48.

Liberate: The addict is subjugated and held hostage by a disease. Professionals can treat the addict and cure them. Jesus cured the boy in Mark 9:14-29 when no one else could help. Brickman calls this the medical model – the addict needs professional help to recover.

Revive: The way out of denial is to wake up. In John 11:1-44 Jesus revived Lazarus. In Mark 5:35-43 Jesus revived the little girl. And in Mark 14:32-42 Jesus revived the disciples from their sleep.

Detach: It is easy to get overwhelmed with obligations for those we love and yet in doing so we often deny our own pain. We need to separate from our obligations so we can repair. In John 2:1-11 Jesus reminds his mother that he is not obligated to her commands. In John 6:25-40 Jesus tells the crowd that they seek him in order to obligate him to provide bread. He then goes on to explain that he is not obligated to work miracles to appease their desires.

Empower: An enabler expresses overwhelming love through actions that disregard the best interests of the person receiving the gifts. Consider Martha in Luke 10:38-42 who busied herself in making a meal when Mary saw that Jesus wanted an opportunity to teach. In other contexts, Jesus empowered the disciples when he sent them on their first mission (Mark 6:7-13).

Brickman calls this the compensatory model and describes it by saying that we attempt to compensate for a deficiency that the addict did not create. Marlatt, Miller, Prochaska, DiClemente and numerous other researchers working on addiction appear to subscribe to this model and there are occasional debates to weigh the merits of the compensatory model against the medical model.

Tranquil: In the tradition of the silent Quakers this is called centering. In Matthew 14:13-23 Jesus fed five thousand and then went away alone to pray.

Learn: A teacher creates an environment in which a student can learn. I wrote this article so that you can learn. But I cannot learn for you, you need to do it yourself. In Luke 22:39-46 Jesus takes the disciples to a place to pray, asks them to pray, prays himself, and yet they sleep.

Disciple: It is my conjecture that we adopt the discipleship model when we truly believe in the moral model and when we truly love the person who desires help. We teach the person to fish. Discipleship is the ultimate goal of the church (Mark 16:14-18). Discipleship is the technique used by twelve step programs. Discipleship is a dynamic process.

The helping models are dynamic. I learned to appreciate state transitions from Vroom’s work on contingency management and Blanchard concept of situational management.